Boomerality

Our Long and Winding Road:

Seeking our Path in the Longevity Revolution

RICHARD F. ADDRESS, RABBI, D.MIN

Richard F. Address, D.Min., is a leading authority on Boomer and Older Adult Ministry. He serves as Founder and Director of www.jewishsacredaging.com. He served for 33 years on staff of Union for Reform Judaism as Regional Director and then as Founding Director of Department of Jewish Family Concerns.

He has also served congregations in California and, for the last several years, was senior rabbi at a congregation in southern New Jersey. He hosts the weekly radio show “Boomer Generation Radio” in Philadelphia and serves as co-chair of the Committee of Spirituality and Diversity for C-TAC: the Coalition to Transform Advanced Care.

Rabbi Address is active with the World Union for Progressive Judaism and writes and speaks regularly on issues related to baby boomers, aging and how Judaism can impact our lives as we age. An incredibly engaging and thoughtful speaker, we are delighted to be able to welcome Rabbi Address back to London this November.

RESCHEDULED DATE

Saturday, November 13, 2021
9:30 a.m. – 4 p.m. (Registration opens at 8:30 a.m.)
$50 per person – snacks and lunch included
Hosted at Siloam United Church, London, ON

HOW TO REGISTER

• Online registration: https://siloamunitedchurch.org/rabbi-address-registration/
• Phone registration: Call Dr. Heather Vosper, Registrar, 226-927-9339

Or leave a message on the church’s voicemail: 519-455-9201

The Covid-19 pandemic has had a major impact on the daily lives of most Canadians, including Baby Boomers and Older Adults. The increase in social isolation, job and income loss, and difficulties meeting financial obligations, only exacerbate the problems faced by many in our land, particularly those groups that are marginalized. An increase in depression, PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome), and anxiety mean that the mental health of too many Canadians has been seriously compromised. Threats of a possible fourth wave of the pandemic do little to assuage these fears.

Even before the pandemic hit, many Canadians suffered from stress and anxiety. While we cannot always control the events that happen to us and those around us, we can learn how to “reframe” our fears and anxieties and begin to live the life that God wants to give us.

If you would like to explore this topic further, please join us for our Fall Study Group at Siloam. No previous knowledge of the Bible is required. Just a willingness to prayerfully discern what the scriptures have to say to us in our contemporary context. Masks are optional for those who have been doubly vaccinated and every attempt will be made to provide socially distanced seating for those who are not in the same bubble, unless further restrictions are posted by the Middlesex Health Unit.

Only a few spaces remain, so please register early if you wish to attend. We begin our study on Friday, September 17th, 10 a.m. to 11:45 a.m., Siloam United Church, 1240 Fanshawe Park Road East. To register please write to smacgregor@siloamunitedchurch.org You may purchase Max Lucado’s book at Creation Bookstore at 900 Oxford Street East in London. If possible, please read the first section, chapters 1 to 4, chapter before our first session on September 17th.

For more information on Lucado’s book and our study, please watch the video below:

For the month of August I will be taking a sabbatical from my blog. As I prepare to start holidays on Tuesday, I thought it would be nice to leave you with this beautiful story. Some months ago a lovely woman in my congregation sent me this article about the Daffodil Principle. (Thanks, Joyce!) Perhaps you are familiar with it. It originates in the Chicken Soup books, a series that has been very popular with many Boomers over the years. I draw upon Sam Thomas Davies for this story.

Writer Sam Thomas Davies tells about something he read in Chicken Soup for the Gardener’s Soul:

“In one chapter, Jaroldeen Edwards recounts the day her daughter, Carolyn, drove her to Lake Arrowhead to visit a daffodil garden.

Apparently Jaroldeen’s daughter was constantly urging her to visit the daffodil garden with her. It was two hours away and Jaroldeen was not sure she wanted to drive that far, but finally she made the trip. When she and her daughter arrived at the daffodil garden, Jaroldeen couldn’t believe her eyes:

“We turned a corner of the path, and I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak and slopes . . . There were five acres of flowers”.

There were daffodils as far as the eye could see.

On the land, was a house with a poster that read: “Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking”. The first answer was: “50,000 bulbs”. The second answer was: “One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and [a] very little brain”. The third answer was: “Began in 1958”.

This woman had adopted what Jaroldeen would call “The Daffodil Principle”: a lifelong commitment to a goal by taking one action every day.”

Jaroldeen’s story, as recounted by Davies, reminds us that most success stories are the result, not of sudden, spectacular wins or extraordinary actions. Instead, they are about taking one action at a time, committing oneself daily to a larger goal, remaining faithful to that goal through hard work and dedication. They are also about learning to be flexible, trusting the process, and being willing to learn new ways of doing things. The woman who planted the daffodils, one bulb at a time, had to learn about the quality of the soil, how and where to plant the flowers so that they would receive just the right amount of sunlight, and then she had to commit herself to regular watering, fertilizing and weeding of the garden. Not an easy or glamorous job but one that led to a glorious garden that has brought tremendous joy and beauty into the lives of many.

The season for daffodils has passed; but many other flowers are beginning to bloom and there will be others that will blossom throughout August and September. I hope that you will take time to smell the flowers, to give thanks for the hands that planted and nurtured them, and for our loving God who sends the rain and sunshine to help them grow.

Have a wonderful summer, friends, and see you again in September!

The other day we met one of our favourite Boomer couples for lunch. It had been a long time since we had visited with them and so it was great to get caught up on all their news. We talked about how Covid had impacted our lives, our longing for a return to a more normal life and how we all missed seeing family and friends on a regular basis.

Then one of our friends said, “You know, this whole experience with Covid has made me reconsider retirement. At one time I could not wait for the day. Now I realise that when that time comes, I will need to have something more in my life, something meaningful, a reason to get up in the morning.” Our friend’s husband agreed and so did Richard and I.

Many Boomers who are still working full-time got a trial run at retirement during Covid. Working from home, we have learned what it is like to spend every minute of every hour of every day with our partner. We have missed our colleagues and the daily routine of getting up, dressed up, and heading out to work. Some of us have even missed the long commute. (Okay, maybe we didn’t miss it all that much!) It’s a been a wake-up call for those who have always believed that nothing could be better than sleeping in late each morning and spending the day reading and golfing and doing woodworking or making crafts.

Life is a long series of adaptations and one of the toughest ones we face is retirement. I have long believed that Churches could and should do a far better job of helping people in retirement, not by simply sticking them on a committee they may have no interest or aptitude for, but rather by helping people to really explore how God is calling them into a new chapter, one in which they are being encouraged to use their talents and hard won experience in the pursuit of a more just world. God gives us fresh beginnings every day. How will we use those in the service of God’s Kin-dom here on earth? Maybe we need to think of retirement less as a withdrawal from our life’s work and more as a form of “re-purposing” our lives, in which we re-align our lives to God’s purposes.

Yesterday, since my own church at Siloam does not re-open for in-person worship until Sunday, July 18^th, I had the privilege of worshipping at Metropolitan United Church in London, Ontario. The service, music and message were excellent, as always; but what I was not expecting, especially given the theme (King David dancing around the Ark of the Covenant in an ancient G-string!), was a stroll down memory lane.

The first hymn, “Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation”, was the hymn to which I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, 36 years ago today! ( I remember that one wit said, “Well, at least one good thing will be happening on Orangeman’s Day!”) Then, partway through the service, the amazing soloist sang one of my favourites: The Holy City, which brought back memories of the first concert Richard and I attended after our marriage. It was the Scottish folksinger Mary Sandeman singing this beautiful piece, accompanied by the Scottish Fiddle Orchestra, at The King’s in Edinburgh.

Next there was the touching announcement made by liturgist Rick Wood as he shared the news of the recent birth of his little granddaughter. Understandably overcome by emotion, he shed a tear as he described this precious wee lass, that brought to mind the birth of our first child, also a girl, who will be married on August 14^th, the circle of life complete!

And Rev. Dr. Geoff Crittenden’s reference to the scantily clad King David dancing around the Ark of the Covenant? Well, what can I say except that our daughter was soon accompanied by three younger brothers!

I have just re-read the story of Henry Francis Lyte. Born in Scotland on June 1^st, 1793, Lyte was left an orphan when he was only a child. Life was hard for him and constantly he struggled with poverty. His dream of becoming a physician eluded him, but he eventually felt a call to the ministry.

He wrote that a turning-point occurred in his life when he was summoned to the bedside of a dear friend who was dying. Both he and his friend were devastated by the prospect of the man’s death, but together they read the scriptures and prayed. Through that experience each found the peace he needed: the dying one found love and acceptance in the sure hope that he was returning to the God who loved him, and Lyte discovered his pathway into the Christian ministry.

For nearly 25 years Lyte served as minister to the fisherfolk and sailors of Lower Brixham. But his health was frail and over the years it continued to dissipate. In the fall of 1847, Lyte had a premonition that the end was near. He told a friend that the swallows were flying southward and that “they were inviting me to accompany them; and yet alas; while I am talking of flying, I am just able to crawl.”

Soon he celebrated his farewell worship service with the good people of Brixham. Afterwards he walked out to the shoreline and watched the splendour of the setting sun over the shimmering waters. After spending about an hour in nature, he returned to his study to compose one of the Church’s most favourite hymns: “Abide With Me”. The words are included below.

Those of us who find ourselves in the second half of life are starting to grow accustomed to endings. It is the part of the older adult journey that I like the least, but I know I have to get used to it. I remember when I was starting out in ministry, a lovely man who was the local funeral director told me in private that he did not think he could do his job much longer. He was in sixties at the time and found that he was burying too many of his friends.

A couple of weeks ago I lost a dear friend. Bruce was the Clerk of Session on my ordinand’s pastoral charge. He was not the most successful farmer I have ever known, but he loved life on the land and he loved people.. He was also a thoughtful, caring and deeply faithful servant of Christ. He loved to sing in the choir and I am sure Lyte’s hymn was a favourite because Bruce loved all the “oldies but goodies.” Although I did not get to see him a lot in recent years, he would phone me from time to time, always eager to learn about what I was up to and how my family was doing. Over the years Richard and the children and I have received many beautiful cards from him. He never forgot a birthday or an anniversary. I know he trusted that God abided with him throughout all the ups and downs of life. Now “heaven’s morning has broken for him” and, as in life, so in death Bruce abides in the eternal love of the Lord he served for 85 years.

Rest in peace, Bruce.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see—
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour;
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

In light of the discovery of even more unmarked graves at Canada’s residential schools, it is difficult to know how we should mark Canada Day this year. How do we respond to evil?

By way of an answer (and I realise that this response is still wholly inadequate), perhaps the best thing we can do is to listen to the stories of our Indigenous brothers and sisters. The other thing we can do when bad things happen is to commit ourselves to doing good.

Like Leon. Andy Langford, Mark Ralls, and Rod Weber tell his story on page 163 of their book, Beginnings. The Spiritual Life:

“Leon was a successful businessman, helping run a textile mill and then buying and selling commercial real estate. Although Leon was active in his community throughout his life, his retirement truly unleashed his potential to serve. Leon cooked meals for the homeless, built Habitat for Humanity homes, added wheelchair ramps to the homes of the elderly, and visited older members in his community who had been forgotten. When Leon was seventy-seven years old, he risked journeying to Bolivia to help build a new church facility in the Andes.  For two weeks, Leon worked at 13,800 feet above sea level, digging holes through the rock for the foundation of the new building. After two weeks of work, Leon and his friends had dug twelve large holes that would be used for the foundations of the projected facility. Leon never saw the finished building; the facility took several more years to build. But Leon dug the hole for the foundation; and that foundation has since changed the lives of children, women, and men that Leon never met.”

What good things can you commit yourself to in the second half of life? As Baby Boomers and older adults, we all have many talents and a lifetime’s worth of experience to share with others. What better way to mark Canada Day – or any other day, for that matter – than by resolving to do something good for others.

Recently I had occasion to read a summary of the three steps to trauma recovery as expounded by Dr. Judith Lewis Herman, a Harvard psychiatrist. These steps can be helpful those who have experienced some trauma in their lives, such as physical violence or disaster, which has left them with PTSD. Even those who do not suffer from PTSD, among them older adults, can benefit from these steps, especially if they have suffered the death of a loved one, or serious physical or mental illness.

The first step is to regain “a sense of safety”. This includes helping people to understand why they may experience jumpiness or panic attacks, or why they have particular reactions to certain circumstances. When we begin to understand the symptoms, then they become far less frightening. When this happens we can start to gain some control over our situation. For example, an elderly person who fears suffering from another fall, can reduce the feelings of being unsafe and gain some control over his/her/their situation by starting to go for walks again, perhaps accompanied initially by a friend. Healing, then, is literally small steps away.

Another step to healing involves retelling our story. For PTSD patients, this means going over the details of the traumatic experience we suffered, and putting the entire memory into words so that we can then begin to mourn the loss that the trauma brought. For all of us, particularly older adults, it is well known that life review is of great benefit to people suffering from depression. This is significant because we know that the rate of depression in those over the age of 65 increases by at least 25% over that of the rest of the population.

Several recent scientific studies have shown that talking about our life experiences lowers blood pressure and strengthens the immune system. Plus, there is a wealth of anecdotal evidence in the published scientific literature that affirms that “life review” is of tremendous help to people experiencing grief. Not only does it lower levels of depression, but it is also found to increase problem-solving skills and self-esteem while assisting in the grief process.^[1]

For those who are engaged in caring for an elderly relative, life review can be a powerful tool in assisting the one who needs care. This is what Rabbi Dayle Friedman calls “sacred listening.”^[2] By listening to another’s story, you honour that individual. Such listening also goes a long way toward creating a safe space for both the caregiver and the one receiving the care to express emotions without feeling that they are being judged. It is natural to experience some distress when we watch the decline of those we have loved and looked up to all our lives. Inviting them to share their story with us can provide an antidote to the sorrow we may feel by allowing us to consider what in this person’s story we can hold on to and focus on the blessing their life has been. What is their legacy to us?

The third step to healing is reestablishing a normal life. In this stage traumatic remembrances do not erupt out of the blue or threaten our sense of equilibrium or self-control. We are able to re-visit them when we wish and lay them aside just as easily. We can begin to trust our relationships, gain some sense of mastery over our world, and find new meaning.

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[1] James Pennebaker, Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions (New York: The Guilford Press, 1997.)

[2] Friedman, Jewish Visions for Aging, 120–123, 135.

Many people develop Type II Diabetes when they enter the second half of life. My mother was unfortunately one of those who was diagnosed with this disease when she was in her 58^th year. She battled this illness for many years. One thing I noticed, however, was that whenever she was under some form of emotional stress or experiencing excessive worry, her blood sugars rose and her physical health diminished. She later developed heart disease, which eventually took her life, not an uncommon outcome for people who suffer from diabetes.

I have since learned that my mother could have been greatly helped if, in addition to the medical care she received, she had also been given counselling to help her cope with the anxiety and fear she was facing. In research that has emerged from a study conducted by Stanford University School of Medicine with more than a thousand men and women who had suffered a first heart attack, those women who went on to suffer a second heart attack were marked by high levels of fearfulness and anxiety. Subsequent studies have shown that women (and men too) who were offered personal counselling or taught relaxation techniques were not only able to handle their turbulent feelings better, but they also experienced some reprieve from their illness, in many cases lengthening their life and enhancing the quality of their life.

Daniel Goleman, whose work on Emotional Intelligence is well known, suggests that a good preventive strategy in dealing with the physical challenges that people face in the second half of life would be to teach them emotion management. He says that, since emotional well-being is one factor that determines whether an older person declines rapidly or thrives,  those entering into retirement, or already in retirement, could benefit greatly from regular sessions with a personal counsellor or therapist. Certainly, the scientific evidence shows that, just as we need to care for our physical health, so also we need to care for our mental and emotional health, and that both physical and emotional health go hand in hand. Our emotions can and do affect our ability to recover from surgery or cope with chronic illness.